Hmm....

I now stop hiding crying, but still hiding silence in my heart. Seeing my Father can't eat even drink sometimes it's really freaking my heart ! I don't know what I exactly feel and pain now as I seem no reaction to illustrate to any one at all. I just do what I can, no matter my leg just had an accident and can't allow to walk during this condition! I still keep silent and do as normal as I usually do by wiping up Dad's body... Feed porridge then i have to brush his teeth every day to make him better when every time he breathes, no matter he can not even open his mouth to speak to me. Hmm... frankly speaking, I don't know what should I help him to get away from this disease :(... I just can help with some small things only:(....I feel so worried when Dad is hard to breath because of the Phlegm in his chest and throat is increasing as now Dad didn't drink more water only sleep on bed without saying anything any word! Yes, u might have no energy to talk nor care with people around yourself !:(... ( to be continued )

Beautiful Heart !

Since u get sick I never be happy as always worry and just only wanna take care of you every day! I am happy and warm when I stay near and see you sleep after taking meals and medicine! Just I can feed and wipe your body with warm water and see u relax and relax well just I feel no worried much and feel relieved in mind just I can go to work! You know, Dad, I feel special and I feel it is a great time that I can look after u when u're sick ! I don't feel it is kinda tired or hard for me! Even though, time is still no longer for u and me, I will try my best to take care of u with my real heart! Daughter feels happy when u said u are happy when I stay near u! I am sorry that I often get away from u because of my study and work :( ! Even now I am still busy while u are so sick ! Daughter is really thankful Dad so much that give daughter a chance to look after u when u're sick ! I don't know how to exlain my feeling now, but daughter wanna say I don't really want u leave me te !!!:( I'm always trying to be strong, keep it normal as you are okay but sometimes I still feel myself is weak! Sometimes showing a silence but inside so scaring to lose u, Daf! This year, daughter promised friends that daughter will try to open heart to see any suitable guy who can get along well with daughter, but now daughter can't do it since u're getting sick! All my feeling and heart are providing u only! Daughter doesn't feel to care of any guy ! U know ot Dad that I feel I am losing warm from u soon!:( ! Daughter jjust hope that daughter could meet a simple guy who gives daughter a real warmth and happiness and never leave daughter no matter how hard situation is ! But it is hard to receive that one ! But daughter believe that daughter will meet him soon! There are many friends and colleagues have said daughter is so high girl on selection guy!:( hmm it is not true ! I just wanna meet a simple one only no high demanding anything from him! ( to be continued )

Wanna fly !!!

Missing funny activities with friends :(

..........

Hmmm....feel silent again today !

I am always trying to relax my feeling no matter I am at work or home. But it seems not cut down all my sadness away from my brain. Evidently, today after work I, bro and Dad went to meet a Doctor (Oung Chakravuth)who is specialist in Stomach disease at his house as my Dad seems not fine in his stomach these days.Before Nurse called my Dad to meet Doctor, i ran to the Dr. to describe a bit about Dad's disease condition as i fear the Doctor may give some drugs that can be effected his health while he is having this monster disease! I walked quickly to Doctors'room when Nurse called Dad comes inside. I spoke to Doctor so fast that:" Doctor, my Dad has Lungs Cancer Stage IV with a letter that i wrote for him"Then Doctor replied:" So why come to meet me?" I said "because his stomach seems not fine these days". Doctor said:" Ok let he comes inside first!." Doctor asked my Dad about his health's condition and often looked at my sad face seems he knew what things he will ask and talk to my Dad. After finished asking, he gave some drugs for my Dad and opened the door for us. Dad said thank you to him and I also said thank too. At that time, doctor said to me : " Be strong!" and he looked at me with very sad face and very understandable about my feeling.I smiled to him with very soft voice: "Ja, OrKun Dr". Hmmm...I feel it seems reminding when I looked after Dad in hospital,Singapore, I often came first to talk and beg Doctor there not to say any serious words about his condition. Actually, this feeling is really hard to say as sooo hard..inside:(. I just know that I won't let my Dad hears any word about his real disease situation because I'm afraid that he can be shocked or fall down or can't even eat anything after hearing. It really makes my feeling not well but I am still happy to stay near my Dad when he meets any Doctor ! Every time I need to run to talk to doctor first before Dad meet them as I still fear if any doctor may confuse to say about his real condition out..,then there is a big trouble comes out!!! Well, I seem tired after work plus brought Dad to meet Doctor...I got very upset feeling now!! However, never mind ... as I seem feel exhausted now!! Yes will sleep early now!

"Beautiful Sunday !":)

Heard or familiar with this title? Do u think it is a title of song? :).... Yes exactly no ! It is just a title for my article in my blog today:). Frankly,I feel so free today as I can spend time with family without thinking and worrying of work or whether today I have a meeting or not!:). Today, I got up early and spend time the whole day with Dad at home and took a bit break to bring Sis' son to go out for a while. Yeah, I might not be a good Aunty as always busy even some weekends I'm almost no time with them. Previously, I thought it would be great if we have no weekends for work as I only feel bored at home, I like to spend time with work. I always go to work so early and on time ! But since Dad is getting serious sick, I only wants to have free time to take care of him. I know I am not good daughter enough as I'm always busy in busy even weekends:(. I am sorry, Dad! But my heart really always thinks of You, but work, daughter also need to be responsible for, too!

All in all, I don't want to be a perfect one but I will try to be a girl who can face and adapt with all conditions. Evidently,like today I take my free time with family and went out with kids and especially, I have time to read a book and search Internet about this and that ! Now, seem tired and sleepy :) Reading seems like Sleeping killer for me, don't know why!!(~_~)Zzzz :D. Next, I think to prepare clothes for work tomorrow:) what else ?? :D... Well, just I can have time like that is great enough for me! Yeah..still not complete one thing for myself ! Who knows? :).... (To be continued) :)

Keep a smile and hope !

I feel this year (2012) is the busiest year for me. Why i said so? Because i have two things need to be responsible for. One is taking care of Dad and another thing is work must be completed it as this year Cambodis will host 20th ASEAN Summit on April, 45th AMM/PMCs/ASEAN+3 Foreign Ministers Meeting(July) and 21st ASEAN Summit and related Summited(November 2012), See?:(.

To talk about Dad, my heart and mind used to be so shock till I lost a feeling to care of people around since I knew my Dad has serious disease. Just lately I seem recovery my feeling back and start work and talk to colleagues as normal, but my feeling is always thinking of Dad condition. I know I have a poor expression to say anything about my feeling to Dad or my family members but I think it is not important whether i express to them or not. I now only tell myself to relax my feeling and try to smile as I can as I need to face a sad thing in my life in the future when that time comes, thus I need to be strong from now on. God can know about my feeling so I dont need to care whether they can see my worrying about Dad or not as this year i am so busy in work, therefor many things they might not know about my surviving in these two issues. Hmmm I do hope Dad must understand about this daugter than other. Dad, I really want to help u as I can but what should I do as even the specialist doctor also said u are in Advance stage of Lungs cancer stage IV:(. I still feel it is unbelievable that u have this disease, Dad! :( ! However, we must accept it and face the truth. Your daughter, Nimol, will keep strong and learn to be independent girl when your last minute comes and also when I need to live without u, Dad.

Since you are being sick of disease, I seem completely forgot to think of myself as I never give myself to relax even with friends out after work. Dad,do not worry about daughter as I believe that your daughter will be happy and get a real happiness life ! Your daughter always keeps hard and walk on the right way. I will try my best to be a good person who is helpful for friends, family and people around. In addition, daughter wish I could meet the real lover and could get married when your health is still okay to see my great day comes ! But if that great day comes and u were not in this earth anymore then no worry as I will be kept u in my good memory forever. Daughter will be reasonable and understandable woman in the family and build a great and happiness in family to repay what u have provided to me, Dad. I will be fortunated girl through your blessing, Dad!:) Your daughter will live with a smile, positive and hope ! :)

It's shock my heart !

My heart nearly stopped working when the Doctor in Singapore told me about the result of my Dad's condition after he scanned my Dad's brain and the whole body! That's result was shock and killed my feeling. I just feel it is so fast for Dad to receive this kind of disease. Doctor Su who made surgery my Dad to take the pleural out from his lungs told me in his office plus showing and describing about the scan result. Firstly,he told me to be strong and accep the truth! :( My both hands were very cold as I know that It is not a good result! Yes, he told me that my Dad has Lung Cancer Stage IV already and too late to cure it. My tears dropped down without sounding in front of him. Doctor asked me whether I wants him to tell my Dad the truth or
I can do myself ? I begged Doctor that do not tell him now as m afraid
Of his condition now can't accept and face the truth! He agreed me what I suggested him! He told me not to think so much as no one will stay last forever ! Frankly, I already lost a smile and laugh since I heard it from Doctor.

Since the result came out, Dad asked me what kind of his illness? Dad said I heard the Cancer from Doctor's assistant. I said Yes Dad u really has Cancer but it is just in stage II only so it still can cure, no worry Dad! Actually, i feel hard that I lie that to him but I cant tell
him about this! I came out and cried a lot in th toilet alone cos I dont know what should I can help Dad!!!! Why it happens to me like this???
I couldnt sleep then I came to meet a Doctor again to ask about my Dad's condition how many years and months he can stay longer and have time with me? He said maybe only 1 year down :( but he also guarantee about this well as some patients just only 8 or 6 months then die:( he said it depends on good environment around. So, just try to make him happy more and don't make him stress alot!
The Doctor said my Dad's cancer disease can't be curable or make operation to take that Tomur out from his lungs as it already spreads to his brain and borns already :( it is so late to cure!! But he can make treatment by Chemotheraphy ! He needs to inject Chemotheraphy in every 3 weeks! Doctor recommended me that my Dad can inject Chemotherapy in Cambodia as it is good for my Dad to spend his less life with family no need to inject in Singapore as my Dad must be tired by many times of traveling. Doctor wrote letter about using the Standard Treatment to Doctor in Cambodia.

Now, 2 months are gone so fast ! I only count the days!! Dad still think he will be better soon as I lied to him that his disease can't be curable:( Sorry Dad!! I want to tell him many times but i still can't do ! I feel m so weak to let him knows about this! What should I do then? Who can tell?